The Ultimate Gym Guide. Things to know before you go!

So this morning, you woke up, went to the bathroom, took a piss, looked down, and this massive beer gut is blocking the view of your mating tool! You think, "F@#k, I need to go to the gym!" We have all been there. I personally will never give up beer, so I will forever sport the keg! So you decide that you need to start working out and look for a gym to go to. There are many different types of gyms and fitness centers to choose from. They are not all the same! I cannot stress that enough. Of course, choose the one that suits you the best. You can go with the gym covered in purple! LMAO! In my opinion, this gym is for people who want to talk about going to the gym but never do and continue to pay the monthly payment for years because it's too embarrassing to walk in and cancel the membership in person. Also, any gym offering free candy, pizza, and donuts when you enter doesn't make sense to me. You can join a CrossFit gym, pay $200 a month to eventually get seriously injured. I don't know a single person who has done CrossFit who hasn't had a major surgery done due to the crazy workout exercises they do. SMH! I recommend deciding on what your goal will be, whether it's bodybuilding, weight loss, powerlifting, or general fitness, and choosing the gym that accommodates that goal. Don't join the purple place if you are going to powerlift! Trust me on this!

So for sure, you are going to run into a slew of characters in the gym. You have the Juice Heads who are on steroids but claim to be all-natural. They claim to have put on 50 pounds of muscle in three months just by eating chicken, white rice, and broccoli. SMH LOL. You've got the InstaHoes who pretty much just do squats and take a thousand pictures of their ass in spandex pants! I don't understand these people because they will look at you like you're a piece of shit, hog up the squat rack, post pictures on Instagram to support their OnlyFans Page. I mean, how messed up can you be! Then you have the powerlifters who just camp at the bench press, squat rack, and deadlift platform. Don't bother waiting for them to finish because they still have 30 sets to go. They also reek of disgusting protein farts from the five to ten thousand calorie diet. Depending on what time you go, you may run into the Silver Sneakers mob. This is the elderly crowd that is old and will talk you to death about the good old days. If you're not careful, they will trap you in a corner and talk to you for hours. Best advice, do not make eye contact or any inviting body language. You will regret it. You've been warned! Other characters you will run into are the F@#k Boys who think they are God's gift to women. Similar to the InstaHoes, they are seen in the mirror taking pictures of their abs or shirtless. Usually in their 20s and drove to the gym in their mom's minivan with an entourage.

Once you've been going for a while, naturally you will make some friends and talk to other gym-goers. If you don't want that, just put a hoodie on, put your AirPods in, and go to work! Trust me, no one will talk to you. But you will talk with people, and everyone has their own opinion on workout routines, diets, and supplements. Don't fall for this trap. Do your own research and try things out. I have tried all types of supplements and diets. Some supplements worked, and some will give you the runs. Pre-workout is great, but for most people, it's a laxative! Protein will put the muscle on but will also make you a farting machine! Do not order anything you see on social media. Most of it is garbage. Most are fake gurus on steroids, even the women! It's impossible to put on 10 lbs of muscle in a week! Most of the stuff you see is a lie and quite frankly should be illegal, but it's not regulated by the FDA, so companies can say and do what they want. There are countless types of diets out there from keto to Weight Watchers. The best and safest is a calorie diet. Track your calories. There are free apps that will help keep track of your calorie intake. Some even have barcode scanners and give you the diet information.

Best advice I can give is, first just get in the gym. That is probably the single most difficult decision to make. Just go to the gym. I don't care if it's for fifteen minutes. Just go and make it a habit. Even when you don't feel like going, GO! Next is to dedicate time to go. I go in the morning around 5 AM. There are fewer people there, and I'm in and out. If you go at 5 PM, expect the gym to be jam-packed with people taking up all the good equipment as they scroll through their cellphones. It's the worst time to go! 2 PM is a great time to go because most people are at work, and you will most likely finish when the rush of people begins. Make sure you have AirPods or similar. Music is the best thing for working out. Also, you can listen to whatever you want. I wouldn't rely on the music playing on the P.A. system. It usually sucks. If you have never worked out before, ask the gym staff to help teach you how to use some of the equipment. Most gyms will offer a free intro class to working out. Also, there are a ton of videos on YouTube and workout routines on Pinterest. Yes, I said Pinterest! It's not just for women and baking recipes. You will be surprised at what you will find. I have gotten some good ideas on AR15 platforms. But it has a lot of different workout routines depending on what your fitness goals are. No matter what, just stick with it. You only fail if you quit!